revise my essay

ّI wrote 2 drafts for this type of essay but every time I submit it , I receive some feedbacks about the it. Here are the feedback: 

Focus- The objective of the WCT is to write a critical essay with an arguable thesis.  The arguable thesis statement needs to be one that you created. Currently your essay is a summary of the information in the packet, this is the number one reason people fail.  Please do not do this.  You need to create and arguable thesis statement of your own idea and then use the material in the packet to support it.  It just needs to be relatable to the packet. A good example of an arguable thesis statement is “The Theory of Evolution and Creationism should be taught alongside each other in all public high schools.”  This is a statement the not everyone will agree with it.  It is your job as the writer to try to convince the reader this is correct.  It has helped many students to think of it as a persuasive essay instead of a critical essay.

Development- The material in the packet is to be used to support your ideas.  You need to use the quotes or paraphrases to help support the ideas.  You must use at least one quote or paraphrase from each of the articles in the packet.  This is an examination requirement. Failure to do so can result in being disqualified.

Organization- You need to have a clear beginning, middle, and end that help to support your argument.  This includes topic sentences that help to prove your point.  Below is an example outline that you can use.  You do not have to use this but it has helped many students.

I. Intro
A. attention grabber, something related to the topic you will be discussing
B. a few sentences summarizing what you will be writing about
C. arguable thesis statement

II. 1st reason or because your thesis statement is correct
A. explain this reason more
B. quote, paraphrase or personal experience
C. provide explanation for quotes, etc…
D. concluding ideas or transitions

III. 2nd reason or because your thesis statement is correct
A. explain this reason more
B. quote, paraphrase or personal experience
C. provide explanation for quotes, etc…
D. concluding ideas or transitions

IV. 3rd reason or because your thesis statement is correct
A. explain this reason more
B. quote, paraphrase or personal experience
C. provide explanation for quotes, etc…
D. concluding ideas or transitions

V. Conclusion
A. restate arguable thesis statement
B. a few sentences summarizing what you just wrote
C. lasting impression for the reader

Mechanics- Your use of MLA is inappropriate.  Please use the links provided below to correct your in-text citations and your  Works Cited page.

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/02/

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/08/

You will need to write another draft.  The one that you currently have would not meet the minimum requirements for passing.  If you have time, please resubmit so that I can see that the above instructions were understood and applied correctly.  I want to help you succeed.

 

also, Your thesis is still not argumentative enough.  All of the essays are talking about how species are becoming extinct and they might not be able to be restored to the numbers of their previous populations.  Your current thesis below:

The main challenge is the reality that animal species are getting to a critical point where it will be hard to salvage them regardless of the precautions that might be taken.

This is still a summary of the materials in the packet. The thesis needs to be your own idea and something that is controversial. Please try again.

 

 

 

find my paper attached. and the packet material